Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
