I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize