if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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