remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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