he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
