Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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