this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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