I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
