I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
