It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
