areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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