I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
