as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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