guys are only as good as the porn they watch
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Sorry my hands just texted you
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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