tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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