Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I wish you could order shots online.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
