hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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