you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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