I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
