i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
