Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
