I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
