If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
