the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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