Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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