I wish you could order shots online.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
