How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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