I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
