i need an iv and a liver transplant
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
