Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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