His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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