They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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