Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
