I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
