just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
