I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Someone signed my nipple.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
