I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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