I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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