Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
