Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
