My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
