I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
