Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
