can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
