6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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