I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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