You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
