New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
