Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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