remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
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