oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Did I show you my penis last night?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
