I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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