My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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