i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
