I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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