I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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