no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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